Made for TV
by Anshin'in
Summary: Rukia has been watching late night television and learning all the wrong ways to make a love confession. She insists on trying it out on a victim, namely Ichigo.


It was _that_ time of night, he just felt it. An hour where all normal and sensible events had been exhausted for the day and only dumbness and randomness remained. Ichigo didn't have to check a watch, the dulling of his mind growing behind his eyes, the sound of his footsteps creaking around the still house and the silent buzz of the street lights outside told him enough.

It was _stupid_ o'clock.

He was better off retreating to bed, immediately. Ichigo was walking past the living room with plans to do exactly that, when he heard the voices.

"Huh?" Wasn't the entire family asleep already? He stopped and peeked into the room.

Ah, of course.

There was an idio-…_Rukia_ sitting on the couch still dressed in her day clothes, illuminated by the changing glare of the television, her eyes glued to the screen.

"_M-Misato. You returned? I thought I would never see you again."_

"_I couldn't leave, not without you, Seiichi. I couldn't live without you."  
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Oh. "Pssh, why are you watching this rubbish?" Ichigo groaned loudly, entering the room.

"Be quiet! It's not rubbish, it's a soap drama." Rukia snapped back without looking even looking at him. "It's _educational!"_

"A soap drama." Ichigo echoed dully. "Educational, my ass. They don't show anything educational past 2 am. Well, not _that_ sort of education anyway…" Still he found himself momentarily watching the screen with her as a tall, dark handsome man approached an overly voluptuous woman.

"_Even if we were separated by one thousand suns and ten thousand moons, I would find my way back to you again."_

"_Oh, Misato!"_

"_Oh, Seiichi!"_

"Oh, screw this, I'm outta here!" Ichigo started to walk out when Rukia suddenly grew super attentive and grabbed his sleeve, attempting to drag him back. "Hey, at least let me escape!"

"You of all people should stay; you might learn a thing or two!" Rukia spoke in all seriousness. "Isn't this cheesy rubbish how you guys confess in this world?"

Ichigo abruptly stopped trying to escape. "Ehh? No way! Only idiots on TV confess like that! I don't need to learn how to make a fool of myself."

"No, I suppose you do not," Rukia retorted lazily.

"Why, you little - "

"Look at this as preparation for the day it may happen to you."

"Nothing so stupid would happen to me," Ichigo deadpanned, "though now you've probably cursed me just by mentioning it."

"Would I purposely wish such a thing on you?" Rukia smiled sweetly in a way that indicated anything but. "Just saying it's inevitable; one day, some poor unknowing future girlfriend of yours might come up to you and be like - "

She sat up cheerfully and set a cutesy expression on her face. Ichigo flinched; feeling dread over what could be coming next...

"_Oh Seiichi_," she began, clasping her hands together and holding them to the side of her head, _"All the wind in the seas, the stars in the sky, the grains of sand on every beach on this earth would not be enough to exceed my love for you."  
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Though temporarily stunned, Ichigo still had enough mobility to roll his eyes. "If you're going to torture me, at least say my name, don't just quote straight out of _Thorn in my Heart._"

"If you don't watch such things, how do you know the title?"

"Shut up, it's right there on the screen!"

"Okay, what about this?" Rukia lay back languidly against the arm of the couch and considered Ichigo through the lashes of half-lidded eyes.

"_I like Ayame for her eyes, Kyoko for her face, Haruhi for her body, but out off all of them, I chose you, Ichigo-chan, because you…are the least troublesome_."

Wow, if anything, her acting skills had sure improved. That had to be a dead ringer impression. "Where's that one from?" Ichigo asked aloud.

"_Sanji's 34 Dates_"

"I thought so. You do know Sanji's a pimp, right?"

Rukia blinked. "Oh. Ah…nevermind, I have plenty more!"

Ichigo minded very much. He watched in exasperation as Rukia positioned her locks in front of her face until he could only see half an eye peaking out behind a curtain of hair. Now she looked…_scary _– was she trying to be Sadako? Ichigo didn't recall _The Ring_ being romantic at all.

"_I have always watched over you, my pet," _Rukia muttered in a low, snide tone._ "I know your every move, your every habit, the number of hairs on your head, even the number of times you blink per minute. Every day I have waited, in the apartment across the road I rented just for you, patiently watching your bathroom window, binding my time, but today…I shall make you mine. "_

"_Stalker._" Ichigo suppressed a shudder. "Next!"

"Hmph!" Rukia glowered at him but quickly recovered. "Maybe that one was too easy." Now she finger-combed her hair until it hung parted to the side, looking slightly dishevelled. Something at the back of Ichigo's mind noted that she looked more mature that way. Leaning forward so her face and upper body were closer in his prospective, she licked her lips, parted them slightly and exhaled a soft breath. Then she looked straight up at him with darkly set eyes.

Ichigo suddenly felt the back of his throat run dry, and a nervous wariness ascending heavily on his sleep-deprived head. Rukia was holding an expression he had never conceived of seeing on her face. It was a look that forced the rest of the room to disappear into a shadowy void, muted the background noise of the television, until all that was left was her illuminated figure and the sound of an erratic drum beating in his ears.

When she spoke her voice, though soft and husky, was almost deafening.

"_Here we are, alone at last. But…I've never done this before. W…will it hurt? Well, I suppose if it's you, I would endure anything…_

"_I've been holding back for too long. Take me, Ichigo, I'm - "_

"T-That is _NOT_ a confession!" Ichigo choked, ducking his face away from her view. He heard Rukia chuckle mockingly behind him.

"How do you know, you didn't even let me finish?"

"Trust me, I know!" he yelled, still not looking at her. Rukia gave an amused sigh.

"Damn, what a tough crowd you are, I was certain that was my best one - that was from _All me, All Mine_, that show had top ratings you know! Hmmm…okay, I've got it! Something simple. One straight from the heart!"

God no, no more, he had not yet recovered from the last one. Didn't he look done in enough? Was nothing going to discourage this girl? Ichigo silently asked the floor as Rukia shook her hair back to normal. No, not when Rukia is in full "Torture Ichigo!" mode.

"Eh hem!" Rukia made a show of clearing her throat before starting, as if about to impart on Ichigo the most profound line of the century.

"You are…the _Ichigo _in my milkshake."

Her lip curled up in a smug smirk, Rukia sat back on the couch and crossed her arms, looking like she'd finished a job well done.

If her job had been to finish him off, then it would have been a big success. Now Ichigo could do nothing but gape at her like a disbelieving fish.

"That…has got to be the worst thing I've ever heard," he managed to utter when he could finally speak. "Please tell me you made that one up, _please_. And that no studio allowed such a line."

Looking far too proud she nodded. "I made that one up."

"What a bunch of crap."

"Whatever!" Rukia interjected dismissively, "You may hear this someday, or even worse." She held the remote to his mouth playing a quiz-host holding a microphone. "And then Ichigo, how will you respond?" she asked grinning evilly.

"AH HA!"

"OI!"

Snatching the remote out of her hand, Ichigo ignored her cries of protest, and switched off the television with grim satisfaction.

"I would tell her to stop watching such crappy dramas."

_~finis~_

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><p>Disclaimer: Bleach is a manga drawn by a genius. <em>This<em>…is a fanfic written by a layman ;)

**AN: Yay, finally, my first complete fic! I hope that was somewhat enjoyable :D I tried to write it in a way that was open to interpretation. Who is really being confessed to? Decide for yourself! ;) **


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